FOR GIVING YOURSELF
In my previous blog post on the subject
of “Forgiveness” I put forth some of my thoughts. However, I have discussed
only the part of “forgiving others” in detail. There is a more complicated
aspect of forgiveness, “forgiving yourself”.
Let us resume the journey.
***
Why do you have to forgive yourself?
What necessitates it? What is the modus
operandi? How do you go about forgiving yourself?
All are pertinent questions. All are
important questions.
Imagine a situation where the offender
is you. You hurt or harmed someone
previously. Imagine that the harm is irremediable for some reason such as, say,
the victim is deceased, maybe as a direct or indirect consequence of the harm
you inflicted. Alternatively, the harm affected the victim in such a way that
he/she cannot be compensated for; the time is up, as they say. Even though you
have realised the fact that you had harmed someone, you and the victim are in no
position to give and receive even an apology, leave alone compensation.
An impossible situation, isn’t it?
Even after you realised that you have
inflicted harm on someone, you cannot seek his/her forgiveness for reasons
enumerated above. That you want to seek forgiveness indicates your realisation
and remorse for what you did. Law may not have punished you sufficiently. You
cannot even seek forgiveness of the victim(s) or the others affected.
So, what happens next?
Sensitivity begins its work. It starts
to eat you away from within. There can be no punishment crueler than that. The
result is depression, insomnia, loss of appetite, and even suicidal tendency.
The sense of guilt just will not go away, no matter what you do. This affects
not only you but also your family and near and dear, too.
Forgiveness given by the victim is the
most visible, acceptable, easiest, and potent process for you to seek a closure
to the entire incident. It is because you need the forgiveness of someone else,
especially the victim. It is more than a mere symbolic gesture; often, it is more
important than the one offered by religion. The victim, overcoming the
irreplaceable loss suffered, tries and understands the circumstances and the
futility of the poison of vengeance. It is that forgiveness, which gives you a
sense of closure to what you perpetrated previously.
In the absence of such forgiveness, what
must a repentant offender do?
Would suicide be the lasting and
ultimate solution for all parties concerned? Would the mental and physical
suffering of the offender be the answer that provides a closure to the entire
matter?
None of these.
The only solution to this is forgiving
oneself, however insensitive it may seem.
Consider the following undeniable facts:
The hurt or harm cannot be undone.
The loss or damage cannot be remedied or
replaced.
Realisation and acceptance of your guilt
is not the end-all to the issue.
So, what do you or anyone do?
Live in eternal depression and mental
agony? To what purpose?
The perpetrator must return to the
society as a responsible human, feeling remorse for his offence. The only way
to achieve this is forgiving oneself and moving on.
***
How do you forgive yourself? Is there a
set procedure in the law books or scriptures? Should it be done publicly?
No. You have to devise one for yourself.
It can be through an open religious ritual or privately within you.
I personally feel that it is proper and
must to be done silently within you. You can work out a plan and execute it
within you. A simple “I forgive myself” can be effective. Alternatively, an
elaborate mental ritual can be followed wherein you recapitulate your offence,
its fallout, its consequences, and your regret and remorse. Then, by means of
your own words, you can forgive yourself.
Just remember, there are no set rules or
a predetermined or recommended pattern to this crucial aspect of your life so
that you can move on.
That brings us to some important facts
and factors of life.
Let us look at them.
***
Why should you be able to forgive
yourself? What does the act of forgiving yourself require as basics? What are
the metaphysical aspects involved?
On the whys and whats, we have already
said a lot in the foregoing paragraphs. What about life, existence, and
realities in general?
Whether yours was a minor offence or a
major, life-altering, life-shattering one, you require compassion, and
understanding as the core of your character. Without this foundation, you will
continue to be miserable in that black hole, which will suck up everyone around
you eventually.
I reproduce below some important
extracts I gleaned on some related websites on the Internet in the fervent hope
that they guide you through your difficult situation.
“Forgiving
yourself gives you peace. You stop being a captive to any resentment or grudges
you may have and start focusing on other things that are important. You can let
go and show you are willing to embrace freedom. There is no partial letting go,
you have to let go completely so you can completely embrace peace.”
***
“Why is it hard
to forgive yourself?
Sometimes it's
because we need the forgiveness of someone else. Some relationships are deeply
intertwined with the understanding of our self. It can be friends, partners,
family, colleagues or even society. If you think that someone you are dependent
upon cannot accept you, you will have a hard time accepting yourself.”
***
“Why forgiving
yourself is important?
Self-forgiveness
improves our well-being and productivity. They are kind to themselves, which
reduces their anxiety and related depression. In comparison, those who are
highly critical of themselves are more likely to experience significant
negativity, stress and pessimism.”
***
“Be courageous
enough to forgive yourself; never forget to be compassionate to yourself.”
***
“The only
person we have the right or the power to forgive is ourselves. For everything
else, there is the Art of Acceptance.”
***
“Never forget
to forgive yourself; always remember to love yourself.”
***
“What does
forgiving yourself mean?
It means that
you accept the behavior, you accept what has happened, and you are willing to
move past it and move on with your life without ruminating over past events
that cannot be changed.”
***
“What is true
forgiveness?
True
forgiveness is freely given as a gift of the love that inspires it. Since the
source of true forgiveness is True Love, no one has to earn it. True
forgiveness frees the forgiver AND the forgiven. Both are released from the
effects of the mistake. True forgiveness is a rational act of self-love.”
***
My wife, may her soul rest in eternal
peace, used to say that I thought too much of a given situation, people,
relationships, and life at large, when such a Freudian analysis was not
required, even remotely. She was right; I do that; that is my nature, being hypersensitive
to life.
What would I do if I found myself in a
situation where I must forgive myself to move
on with my life?
What would I do if I realised that I had
intentionally or unintentionally hurt or harmed someone?
Given my nature, expectedly, I would
plummet into the dark abyss, the black hole and I would live a miserable life
of self-recrimination, self-blame, and self-flagellation. If I could muster up
some courage, I may even attempt to enact the I-forgive-myself act. However,
the question would remain, “Would I be truly forgiving myself?”
I truly do not know.
***