The act of forgiving is defined thus in dictionaries.
Forgiveness: n. the act of forgiving;
pardon.
Further explanatory descriptions, in
general, go thus.
Forgiveness is
the release of resentment or anger. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. We
do not have to return to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviour
from our offenders.
Forgiveness is
for our own growth and happiness. Holding on to hurt, pain, resentment, and anger
is harmful to us far more than it is to our offenders.
Forgiveness
frees us to live in the present. Our anger, regret, hatred, or resentment
towards someone means that we are giving up our power to that person.
Forgiveness is
not about letting someone off the hook for their actions but freeing ourselves
of the negative energies that bind us to them.
***
Forgiving can be (i) forgiving others or
(ii) forgiving oneself. Let me take you along with me through my thought
process and address these two aspects one after the other.
***
Forgiving Others
A case for forgiving someone arises only
when that someone harmed and/or hurt us in the past. This harm or hurt could be
purely physical or it could be mental, emotional.
Physical harm, intentional or otherwise,
could be due to a crime or accident against our beloveds or us; if that act
results in the loss of the life or lives of our beloveds, the wounds do not
heal for the rest of our lives.
On the other hand, emotional harm/hurt
is an entirely different thing; it is invisible to the eye as are its effects. Usually,
it is the result of a betrayal of our love and trust.
I shall not go into the details of what,
why, and how of the harm/hurt and of the betrayal itself but shall take the
path of understanding how best we can move on with our lives despite the wound
to our inner self because that is the crux of the problem.
***
The betrayal of our love and trust will
be an indelible part of our lives; it stays with us for the rest of our lives,
whatever the repercussions of that to the victim and perpetrator alike are.
If the betrayal is an accident and is unintentional
on the part of the perpetrator and the perpetrator is genuinely remorseful and
apologetic, things may be easier for a resolution. However, a resolution depends
on the grievousness of the hurt inflicted, the extent of the damage caused to
the victim, and the willingness of the victim.
On the other hand, if the betrayal is by
design and is intentional there may not be any scope for a resolution. The
victim may harbour an implacable umbrage and may even seek retribution; the
scars on victim’s heart and mind are for life.
***
Through the foregoing paragraphs I have
only tried to lay the general background in front of you; I am sure some of you
may not be in total or even partial agreement with me. Still, I shall wade
through the heart-numbing consequences that a wrongdoing has on the victim and
explore a resolution that must be effected for the sake of the victim’s welfare
post-betrayal, post-trauma.
***
Fear, anger, disgust, sadness, rage, loneliness,
melancholy, and annoyance are some of the most commonly felt negative emotions.
There is no gainsaying that among these anger, loneliness and melancholy are
the most dangerous for an individual, as these are self-destructive for the
individual.
There is a poem in Telugu, which goes
thus.
తన కోపమే తన శత్రువు.
One’s anger is one’s (worst) enemy.
Taking this raw truth forward, let us
delve into the twin aspects of anger, melancholy, and loneliness on one side
and forgiveness on the other.
***
What happens when one feels betrayed
especially when one is in a personal, psychological, and emotional low? This
low could be the consequence of a personal loss of, say, a property, a
position, etc. or, most seriously, a dear person. The betrayal could be in the
form of denial of moral and emotional support. The traumatised victim would be
looking to lash out at the offenders, to vent out the anger somehow, anyhow.
That is the genesis of one’s problem, the seething anger pushing one to seek
vengeance and retribution, to hurt the offenders just as they hurt him/her. If
this pent up rage does not find a release through a safety valve it will become
all-consuming and will devour the victim from within. It will lead to serious
problems of rage, melancholia, and depression.
What are the consequences of such
repressed anger? The victim will slide down the slippery slope of a dark abyss
housing anger, loneliness, melancholia, and depression, often irretrievably.
Is this what the victim wished for? Certainly
not.
All that the victim wished for was
vengeance.
Okay, let us assume that the victim has
succeeded in wreaking vengeance. What next?
Does it induce a sense of relief from
the original grief caused by a loss or from the sense of betrayal? Does it help
in getting rid of the anger, the loneliness, the melancholia, or the
depression? Does it provide a closure?
You will have to look inside yourself
for answers for such questions.
The seething anger caused by the grief,
the loneliness, the melancholia, and the depression is like a self-destruct
button. Pressing it would only destroy the victim; it does not affect the
offender. The victim seethes, seethes, and seethes endlessly and plummets into
the dark abyss of depression, which could cause further serious problems for
the victim.
So, what is the solution? Solution to
what; is it for the original grief, the sense of betrayal, or the consequent
anger and depression? Are they all different from one another when you look at
the agony the victim is being subjected to?
Let us face some hard facts.
The original loss cannot be undone. If
it could be undone, there would not be any problem in the first place at all,
would it? So, the loss is irreparable, irreplaceable, and irremediable.
That is fact #1.
The act of betrayal, of trust and love,
cannot be undone.
That is fact #2.
The anger born out of the combined
effect of the original loss and the sense of betrayal is but natural and
justified to a large extent. We are all human, aren’t we?
That is fact #3.
However, seeking and wreaking vengeance
and retribution helps none, definitely not the already-traumatised victim. On
the contrary, it might create a fresh set of incurable problems for the
innocent near and dear of the offender and, by its perpetration, to the victim
himself/herself. So, it has not helped the victim at all.
That is fact #4.
To summarise, for whatever reason,
cosmic or mundane, the victim is placed in an unenviable position from which
there is no reprieve. Anger, depression, and vendetta do not help the victim an
iota by way of relief.
That is fact #5.
So, where and how can the victim find a
solution, a resolution, a closure for the issue?
For that, one must look inside oneself.
***
I am looking inwards, into my mind, into
my heart.
Why did I bring me into this discourse?
You will see.
***
It is over 4½ years since I lost my soul
mate. I am shattered and am unable to cope with the loss, even today. The
images of the physical suffering she underwent still haunt me no end. I shall
not go into the details of it; I do not want to perpetuate or bequeath them to
the minds of my near and dear, especially my daughters. Suffice it to say that
I had physically seen and mentally suffered every infinitesimal bit of her
suffering.
In the aftermath of that catastrophic
event, I plummeted into the abyss I described earlier. It was dark,
frightening, and depressing day after interminable day. Travelling blindly in
that dark tunnel, I yearned and prayed for a ray of hope in the form of a few
kind words of solace from relatives, friends, and contacts. Not only were they
not forthcoming but it dawned on me that I did not exist for them any longer!
It was as though I died along with my soul mate on that fateful day in November
2015. Filled with uncontrollable rage, I drowned deeper and deeper into the
dark abyss with no hope of recovery, ever.
I felt betrayed. I was betrayed.
Did the thought of forgetting and/or
forgiving occur to me? Yes, since I was aware of the philosophy.
Did I even fleetingly consider
forgetting and/or forgiving my offenders? No, I did not. It was too much to
expect that magnanimity from me.
I seethed, seethed, and seethed
endlessly; the pain of my loss was such; the pain of the betrayal was such.
That I have not gone over the precipice
during this traumatic period is due to the few most import people in my life,
my two biological daughters and their families, and a few more daughters out
there, who were not born out of my wife’s womb. I cannot describe it anymore,
for words fail me.
In search of solace, I continued with my
passion for writing and published several books (English fiction), and began my
journey into the world of painting hues and musical notes. I found it, the
panacea for my problem. These activities helped me a very great deal in healing
the near-mortal would inflicted by that catastrophe. I recovered significantly,
but it was not enough.
Surprisingly, the ultimate solution to
my inner devastation emerged as a consequence of a further crisis of mine. I
was advised to and I did willingly adopt the ritual of meditation (I call it dhyanam). I am not supposed to share the
details of my journey with anyone, even close family members, except my guru. So, I shall spare you my ranting
into that topic. Suffice it to say that I have experienced a change in me that
surprises me! Even my daughters have observed the salubrious change and they are
extremely happy for it, for me, and for themselves.
The pain inside me has eased
considerably. I am able to handle it and myself better. I have begun to accept
my loss, which I always knew was the cosmic truth.
Does it mean that I do not have or I do
not feel the pain any longer? “No, I still do have and still feel the pain.”
Does it mean that I am no longer
depressed? “No, I still slip into depression sometimes.”
Does it mean that I am ready to forgive?
Yesterday my answer to the question was, “No.”
Today my answer is, “I do not know.”
If it is to happen, it will happen.
If it happens, it must happen on its own
volition, in its own time, and in its own space in the cosmos.
I do not know.
***
It is with a clearer mind that I wrote
the foregoing paragraphs.
I realise and I believe that forgiveness
is the only panacea that will offer me a semblance of solace.
Will I be able to forgive? Will I
forgive?
I do not know.
***
