FORGIVENESS

The act of forgiving is defined thus in dictionaries.

Forgiveness: n. the act of forgiving; pardon.

Further explanatory descriptions, in general, go thus.

Forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. We do not have to return to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviour from our offenders.

Forgiveness is for our own growth and happiness. Holding on to hurt, pain, resentment, and anger is harmful to us far more than it is to our offenders.

Forgiveness frees us to live in the present. Our anger, regret, hatred, or resentment towards someone means that we are giving up our power to that person.

Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook for their actions but freeing ourselves of the negative energies that bind us to them.

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Forgiving can be (i) forgiving others or (ii) forgiving oneself. Let me take you along with me through my thought process and address these two aspects one after the other.

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Forgiving Others

A case for forgiving someone arises only when that someone harmed and/or hurt us in the past. This harm or hurt could be purely physical or it could be mental, emotional.

Physical harm, intentional or otherwise, could be due to a crime or accident against our beloveds or us; if that act results in the loss of the life or lives of our beloveds, the wounds do not heal for the rest of our lives.

On the other hand, emotional harm/hurt is an entirely different thing; it is invisible to the eye as are its effects. Usually, it is the result of a betrayal of our love and trust.

I shall not go into the details of what, why, and how of the harm/hurt and of the betrayal itself but shall take the path of understanding how best we can move on with our lives despite the wound to our inner self because that is the crux of the problem.

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The betrayal of our love and trust will be an indelible part of our lives; it stays with us for the rest of our lives, whatever the repercussions of that to the victim and perpetrator alike are.

If the betrayal is an accident and is unintentional on the part of the perpetrator and the perpetrator is genuinely remorseful and apologetic, things may be easier for a resolution. However, a resolution depends on the grievousness of the hurt inflicted, the extent of the damage caused to the victim, and the willingness of the victim.

On the other hand, if the betrayal is by design and is intentional there may not be any scope for a resolution. The victim may harbour an implacable umbrage and may even seek retribution; the scars on victim’s heart and mind are for life.

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Through the foregoing paragraphs I have only tried to lay the general background in front of you; I am sure some of you may not be in total or even partial agreement with me. Still, I shall wade through the heart-numbing consequences that a wrongdoing has on the victim and explore a resolution that must be effected for the sake of the victim’s welfare post-betrayal, post-trauma.

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Fear, anger, disgust, sadness, rage, loneliness, melancholy, and annoyance are some of the most commonly felt negative emotions. There is no gainsaying that among these anger, loneliness and melancholy are the most dangerous for an individual, as these are self-destructive for the individual.

There is a poem in Telugu, which goes thus.

తన కోపమే తన శత్రువు.

One’s anger is one’s (worst) enemy.

Taking this raw truth forward, let us delve into the twin aspects of anger, melancholy, and loneliness on one side and forgiveness on the other.

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What happens when one feels betrayed especially when one is in a personal, psychological, and emotional low? This low could be the consequence of a personal loss of, say, a property, a position, etc. or, most seriously, a dear person. The betrayal could be in the form of denial of moral and emotional support. The traumatised victim would be looking to lash out at the offenders, to vent out the anger somehow, anyhow. That is the genesis of one’s problem, the seething anger pushing one to seek vengeance and retribution, to hurt the offenders just as they hurt him/her. If this pent up rage does not find a release through a safety valve it will become all-consuming and will devour the victim from within. It will lead to serious problems of rage, melancholia, and depression.

What are the consequences of such repressed anger? The victim will slide down the slippery slope of a dark abyss housing anger, loneliness, melancholia, and depression, often irretrievably.

Is this what the victim wished for? Certainly not.

All that the victim wished for was vengeance.

Okay, let us assume that the victim has succeeded in wreaking vengeance. What next?

Does it induce a sense of relief from the original grief caused by a loss or from the sense of betrayal? Does it help in getting rid of the anger, the loneliness, the melancholia, or the depression? Does it provide a closure?

You will have to look inside yourself for answers for such questions.

The seething anger caused by the grief, the loneliness, the melancholia, and the depression is like a self-destruct button. Pressing it would only destroy the victim; it does not affect the offender. The victim seethes, seethes, and seethes endlessly and plummets into the dark abyss of depression, which could cause further serious problems for the victim.

So, what is the solution? Solution to what; is it for the original grief, the sense of betrayal, or the consequent anger and depression? Are they all different from one another when you look at the agony the victim is being subjected to?

Let us face some hard facts.

The original loss cannot be undone. If it could be undone, there would not be any problem in the first place at all, would it? So, the loss is irreparable, irreplaceable, and irremediable.

That is fact #1.

The act of betrayal, of trust and love, cannot be undone.

That is fact #2.

The anger born out of the combined effect of the original loss and the sense of betrayal is but natural and justified to a large extent. We are all human, aren’t we?

That is fact #3.

However, seeking and wreaking vengeance and retribution helps none, definitely not the already-traumatised victim. On the contrary, it might create a fresh set of incurable problems for the innocent near and dear of the offender and, by its perpetration, to the victim himself/herself. So, it has not helped the victim at all.

That is fact #4.

To summarise, for whatever reason, cosmic or mundane, the victim is placed in an unenviable position from which there is no reprieve. Anger, depression, and vendetta do not help the victim an iota by way of relief.

That is fact #5.

So, where and how can the victim find a solution, a resolution, a closure for the issue?

For that, one must look inside oneself.

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I am looking inwards, into my mind, into my heart.

Why did I bring me into this discourse?

You will see.

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It is over 4½ years since I lost my soul mate. I am shattered and am unable to cope with the loss, even today. The images of the physical suffering she underwent still haunt me no end. I shall not go into the details of it; I do not want to perpetuate or bequeath them to the minds of my near and dear, especially my daughters. Suffice it to say that I had physically seen and mentally suffered every infinitesimal bit of her suffering.

In the aftermath of that catastrophic event, I plummeted into the abyss I described earlier. It was dark, frightening, and depressing day after interminable day. Travelling blindly in that dark tunnel, I yearned and prayed for a ray of hope in the form of a few kind words of solace from relatives, friends, and contacts. Not only were they not forthcoming but it dawned on me that I did not exist for them any longer! It was as though I died along with my soul mate on that fateful day in November 2015. Filled with uncontrollable rage, I drowned deeper and deeper into the dark abyss with no hope of recovery, ever.

I felt betrayed. I was betrayed.

Did the thought of forgetting and/or forgiving occur to me? Yes, since I was aware of the philosophy.

Did I even fleetingly consider forgetting and/or forgiving my offenders? No, I did not. It was too much to expect that magnanimity from me.

I seethed, seethed, and seethed endlessly; the pain of my loss was such; the pain of the betrayal was such.

That I have not gone over the precipice during this traumatic period is due to the few most import people in my life, my two biological daughters and their families, and a few more daughters out there, who were not born out of my wife’s womb. I cannot describe it anymore, for words fail me.

In search of solace, I continued with my passion for writing and published several books (English fiction), and began my journey into the world of painting hues and musical notes. I found it, the panacea for my problem. These activities helped me a very great deal in healing the near-mortal would inflicted by that catastrophe. I recovered significantly, but it was not enough.

Surprisingly, the ultimate solution to my inner devastation emerged as a consequence of a further crisis of mine. I was advised to and I did willingly adopt the ritual of meditation (I call it dhyanam). I am not supposed to share the details of my journey with anyone, even close family members, except my guru. So, I shall spare you my ranting into that topic. Suffice it to say that I have experienced a change in me that surprises me! Even my daughters have observed the salubrious change and they are extremely happy for it, for me, and for themselves.

The pain inside me has eased considerably. I am able to handle it and myself better. I have begun to accept my loss, which I always knew was the cosmic truth.

Does it mean that I do not have or I do not feel the pain any longer? “No, I still do have and still feel the pain.”

Does it mean that I am no longer depressed? “No, I still slip into depression sometimes.”

Does it mean that I am ready to forgive?

Yesterday my answer to the question was, “No.”

Today my answer is, “I do not know.”

If it is to happen, it will happen.

If it happens, it must happen on its own volition, in its own time, and in its own space in the cosmos.

I do not know.

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It is with a clearer mind that I wrote the foregoing paragraphs.

I realise and I believe that forgiveness is the only panacea that will offer me a semblance of solace.

Will I be able to forgive? Will I forgive?

I do not know.

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