FORGIVENESS II (Forgiving yourself)

FOR GIVING YOURSELF

In my previous blog post on the subject of “Forgiveness” I put forth some of my thoughts. However, I have discussed only the part of “forgiving others” in detail. There is a more complicated aspect of forgiveness, “forgiving yourself”.

Let us resume the journey.

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Why do you have to forgive yourself? What necessitates it? What is the modus operandi? How do you go about forgiving yourself?

All are pertinent questions. All are important questions.

Imagine a situation where the offender is you. You hurt or harmed someone previously. Imagine that the harm is irremediable for some reason such as, say, the victim is deceased, maybe as a direct or indirect consequence of the harm you inflicted. Alternatively, the harm affected the victim in such a way that he/she cannot be compensated for; the time is up, as they say. Even though you have realised the fact that you had harmed someone, you and the victim are in no position to give and receive even an apology, leave alone compensation.

An impossible situation, isn’t it?

Even after you realised that you have inflicted harm on someone, you cannot seek his/her forgiveness for reasons enumerated above. That you want to seek forgiveness indicates your realisation and remorse for what you did. Law may not have punished you sufficiently. You cannot even seek forgiveness of the victim(s) or the others affected.

So, what happens next?

Sensitivity begins its work. It starts to eat you away from within. There can be no punishment crueler than that. The result is depression, insomnia, loss of appetite, and even suicidal tendency. The sense of guilt just will not go away, no matter what you do. This affects not only you but also your family and near and dear, too.

Forgiveness given by the victim is the most visible, acceptable, easiest, and potent process for you to seek a closure to the entire incident. It is because you need the forgiveness of someone else, especially the victim. It is more than a mere symbolic gesture; often, it is more important than the one offered by religion. The victim, overcoming the irreplaceable loss suffered, tries and understands the circumstances and the futility of the poison of vengeance. It is that forgiveness, which gives you a sense of closure to what you perpetrated previously.

In the absence of such forgiveness, what must a repentant offender do?

Would suicide be the lasting and ultimate solution for all parties concerned? Would the mental and physical suffering of the offender be the answer that provides a closure to the entire matter?

None of these.

The only solution to this is forgiving oneself, however insensitive it may seem.

Consider the following undeniable facts:

The hurt or harm cannot be undone.

The loss or damage cannot be remedied or replaced.

Realisation and acceptance of your guilt is not the end-all to the issue.

So, what do you or anyone do?

Live in eternal depression and mental agony? To what purpose?

The perpetrator must return to the society as a responsible human, feeling remorse for his offence. The only way to achieve this is forgiving oneself and moving on.

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How do you forgive yourself? Is there a set procedure in the law books or scriptures? Should it be done publicly?

No. You have to devise one for yourself. It can be through an open religious ritual or privately within you.

I personally feel that it is proper and must to be done silently within you. You can work out a plan and execute it within you. A simple “I forgive myself” can be effective. Alternatively, an elaborate mental ritual can be followed wherein you recapitulate your offence, its fallout, its consequences, and your regret and remorse. Then, by means of your own words, you can forgive yourself.

Just remember, there are no set rules or a predetermined or recommended pattern to this crucial aspect of your life so that you can move on.

That brings us to some important facts and factors of life.

Let us look at them.

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Why should you be able to forgive yourself? What does the act of forgiving yourself require as basics? What are the metaphysical aspects involved?

On the whys and whats, we have already said a lot in the foregoing paragraphs. What about life, existence, and realities in general?

Whether yours was a minor offence or a major, life-altering, life-shattering one, you require compassion, and understanding as the core of your character. Without this foundation, you will continue to be miserable in that black hole, which will suck up everyone around you eventually.

I reproduce below some important extracts I gleaned on some related websites on the Internet in the fervent hope that they guide you through your difficult situation.

“Forgiving yourself gives you peace. You stop being a captive to any resentment or grudges you may have and start focusing on other things that are important. You can let go and show you are willing to embrace freedom. There is no partial letting go, you have to let go completely so you can completely embrace peace.”

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“Why is it hard to forgive yourself?

Sometimes it's because we need the forgiveness of someone else. Some relationships are deeply intertwined with the understanding of our self. It can be friends, partners, family, colleagues or even society. If you think that someone you are dependent upon cannot accept you, you will have a hard time accepting yourself.”

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“Why forgiving yourself is important?

Self-forgiveness improves our well-being and productivity. They are kind to themselves, which reduces their anxiety and related depression. In comparison, those who are highly critical of themselves are more likely to experience significant negativity, stress and pessimism.”

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“Be courageous enough to forgive yourself; never forget to be compassionate to yourself.”

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“The only person we have the right or the power to forgive is ourselves. For everything else, there is the Art of Acceptance.”

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“Never forget to forgive yourself; always remember to love yourself.”

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“What does forgiving yourself mean?

It means that you accept the behavior, you accept what has happened, and you are willing to move past it and move on with your life without ruminating over past events that cannot be changed.”

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“What is true forgiveness?

True forgiveness is freely given as a gift of the love that inspires it. Since the source of true forgiveness is True Love, no one has to earn it. True forgiveness frees the forgiver AND the forgiven. Both are released from the effects of the mistake. True forgiveness is a rational act of self-love.”

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My wife, may her soul rest in eternal peace, used to say that I thought too much of a given situation, people, relationships, and life at large, when such a Freudian analysis was not required, even remotely. She was right; I do that; that is my nature, being hypersensitive to life.

What would I do if I found myself in a situation where I must forgive myself to move on with my life?

What would I do if I realised that I had intentionally or unintentionally hurt or harmed someone?

Given my nature, expectedly, I would plummet into the dark abyss, the black hole and I would live a miserable life of self-recrimination, self-blame, and self-flagellation. If I could muster up some courage, I may even attempt to enact the I-forgive-myself act. However, the question would remain, “Would I be truly forgiving myself?”

I truly do not know.

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